Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Coming to a Close

Well, my first trimester is nearing the end. Just a couple more weeks! I went in for another ultrasound and Baby C has grown a lot! I can't call baby a bean anymore. Baby actually looks like a baby now!

The second that baby popped up on the screen, it was waving its little hand at us back and forth. I just had to laugh a little. It was adorable! Then it started kicking its long legs and wiggling all around. Baby even "jumped" once! Baby C is definitely a very active baby.

We got to see baby's profile, hands, and feet. I'm one proud and grateful momma. I cannot begin to describe how blessed I feel today after seeing my precious child and that wonderful heartbeat. Baby's heart rate today was 166.

This has been an easy pregnancy so far. I hardly ever feel sick. I've been tired and I have extreme cravings. In facts, I've been having too many cravings to even list them.

Thank you for your prayers and please continue to cover Baby C in prayer. We are so blessed and so thankful for this child.

She did what?!?

Well, I'm on my soapbox today. Why is it that we love gossip so much?

I'll be the first to say that there have been times in my life I have been the worst to participate in gossip. I knew it was something I needed to work on and I've been praying about it for awhile.

Did you hear what so and so said? Did you know so and so said this?

It's so easy to buy into that. A lot of times we try to say well I listened to it, but I didn't spread it so it's ok. WRONG. Same thing and just as bad. Listening to gossip is equivalent to encouraging gossip.

My strategy lately has just been to respond by saying: I wasn't there so I actually don't know what happened or what was said and I don't need to know unless it comes from that person.

Or, I just walk away.

If you have questions about something that happened, discussing your doubts or whatever with someone else who wasn't involved, that's just as bad. If you have questions, ask the person involved or don't ask at all. Don't make assumptions--just go directly to the person involved.

Gossip hurts people. Most people who become depressed or commit suicide because of bullying weren't physically bullied. They were most often bullied by words--by gossip.

Your words are so powerful. We should choose wisely which words we use. We should pray about our words. Our words should build people up and not tear them down. Gossip always tears down. Just walk away from it. People won't get mad at you for it. I think you'll find that they end up thinking more highly of you for not participating.

A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.
Proverbs 16:28

For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases. As charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.
Proverbs 26:20-22

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.
Romans 1:28-32

Catch up!

I haven't blogged in over a week! Crazy, right? Nausea and sickness wise, this pregnancy has been a breeze so far. Although with Audrey I never got sick until I was nine weeks, so I'm not going to brag about that just yet. While I haven't been sick much, I've been feeling completely exhausted. Lately I literally feel like I could sleep all day if it was possible (well, getting up to eat of course!).

Speaking of eating, I can't get full. I eat and an hour later I feel like I haven't eaten in days. I constantly have a snack in my hand. I'm trying to make them healthy snacks so I don't turn into a blimp. I'm eight weeks pregnant and have already had strangers compliment me on my "bump". I made the ultrasound tech double check on Tuesday that there was only one baby. Yes, there is only one--one beautiful little blueberry sized baby. I've never been so excited to feel so miserable.

On Tuesday, baby had a healthy heartbeat with a rate of 169 and is growing right on schedule. It's funny how after losing a baby, even good news only comforts me for so long. Everything with Barrett was always good news too. Then he was just gone. I have insane fears of that happening again. I so badly want to bring this baby home. Being pregnant shouldn't be this scary, but that's the life of a BL mom expecting her rainbow. Dads too. I know this pregnancy is scary for my husband too. He's scared of enduring that pain again just like I am.

I spent my morning at the hospital today for an EEG. It went as ok as an EEG can go I guess. I was definitely ready to get out of there well before it was over. I finally got all the glue out my hair and it actually feels like hair again. I just keep reminding myself I've got to do all of this stuff to stay healthy for Baby C.

I also wanted to share a song I heard today that I had not heard in awhile:

Much of You
Steven Curtis Chapman

How could I stand here
And watch the sun rise
Follow the mountains
Where they touch the sky

Ponder the vastness
And the depths of the sea
And think for a moment
The point of it all
Was to make much of me

'Cause I'm just a whisper
And You are the thunder and

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of

I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

And how can I kneel here
And think of the cross
The thorns and the whip
And the nails and the spear
The infinite cost

To purchase my pardon
And bear all my shame
To think I have anything worth boasting in
Except for Your name

'Cause I'm a sinner
And You are the Savior and

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of

I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

This is Your love, oh, God
Not to make much of me
But to send Your own Son
So that we could make much of You
For all eternity

And I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of

I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

I want to make much of You
Much of You, Jesus

The Most Beautiful Thing

I am quite sure that today I have been the happiest mom on the planet. I was a nervous wreck all morning anticipating my ultrasound after lunch. When they called my name my heart sank as I was unsure of what I would see. When I was on the table I held my breath until Baby C popped up on the screen. I immediately saw that baby had grown and before she even pointed it out to me, I saw that beautiful little flutter that I was searching for--the flutter that meant my baby's heart is beating good and strong.

Baby C had a HB of 125 which is spot on for this stage in pregnancy! I felt like I could finally breathe--I felt so relieved, joyful, and thankful all at once. I've been telling everyone I have a feeling this one is a take home baby!

They changed our due date from the 13th to the 19th. I was super ok with that because I wasn't digging the Friday the 13th thing. I'm not superstitious, but this is my rainbow baby and I just feel better with this new date. Silly, I know but y'all I swear I'm borderline neurotic right now.

I held myself together until I went back to the lab for a blood draw. Then I sat back there and I sobbed--not teared up, not cried--I sobbed. They were the happiest tears that have ever been shed. God is so good y'all. He is so amazing and He never fails.

Now that my due date has been backed up, I'm actually just now hitting seven weeks. Morning sickness is beginning, although not just in the morning. I'm super exhausted and I'm finally starting to feel pregnant. I dream about this baby all the time. I don't share this much, but when I was pregnant with Barrett I had a lot of dreams about losing him. I never had dreams of bringing him home. With this baby I have dreamt almost every night of sitting around the house with the baby--a girl in all my dreams. I'm calling GIRL now. I'm 2/2 so far, but I there is a first time for everything. We will see in about two months! Either way--HEALTHY is the main thing!

With Audrey I craved sweet and salty; with Barrett, sweet and sour. This baby? Just random things--spinach, yogurt, peanut butter, and caramel apples to name a few. I'm learning to take it easy and rest--not taking any chances with this baby.

I am so thankful for this healthy little bean. I feel good about it today and hopefully this peace continues. I'm sure I ultimately won't feel better until I make it past the 18 week marker where we lost Barrett. That seems so far away, but I'm treasuring every moment with this little one and taking it one day at a time. Back to the doctor next week!

Thank you so much for your prayers--you have no idea how much that means. I know Baby C is one prayed for little bean and I'm so grateful for that! I can feel it for sure! God is good all the time y'all!

Dear Baby C

A letter to Baby C--

Sweet baby you have no idea how much Mommy has prayed for you. Before we even knew about you, you were constantly in my prayers. Right now mommy is praying that you are growing healthy and strong and that you make a safe arrival in September. I couldn't imagine a better birthday present than you. Mommy constantly worries about you too. I want nothing more than to be holding you in my arms in 33 weeks. Right now all Momma can think about is your ultrasound on Tuesday. Momma is praying to see a good, strong heartbeat and a healthy little bean that is growing up a storm. I'm already "nesting" by browsing Pinterest for ideas for your nursery and different photos to take. The hardest thing for Momma right now is not being able to protect you. This waiting is really testing my patience and truthfully, my faith. It's hard for me to turn over my worries. I just want to know that you are ok and growing like you should be. Sometimes you almost seem too good to be true. I'm so in love with you already, yet I'm so scared to let myself get attached to the idea of another baby in the house. I guess that's my way of trying to protect myself, but it's useless. I'm already so attached, so excited, and so in love with you my little bean. Your ultrasound Tuesday fills me with so many emotions. I'm excited to see you again. I'm terrified to look at the screen because I'm scared I won't see that flicker I'm desperate to see. I dread going in that room because it reminds me of the time I spent crying in there grieving over your big brother. At the same time, I'm praying that those memories change to happy ones filled with memories of watching you grow. I pray that you know how much you are loved and wanted here. Your big sister can't wait to meet you and talks about you ALL the time. She thinks you are a girl--guess we will see! I know your big brother is watching down over you. I can't wait to see you again Tuesday and can't wait to meet you in September. Love you so much Baby C!


I pray this is the first of many letters to Baby C throughout NINE months of pregnancy.

This Pregnancy

This pregnancy has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am making myself crazy. After losing Barrett, I'm so paranoid. I go back and forth between being convinced everything is fine and I'm going to bring this baby home to being petrified that there won't be a heartbeat when I go in for my ultrasound on Tuesday.

I dream about this baby almost every night. I have dreams of bringing the baby home. I have dreams of going in for an ultrasound and getting bad news. I have dreams of Audrey playing with the baby and I have dreams of delivering a dead baby. I know this sounds morbid, but this is the life of a BL mom expecting her rainbow. Thanks to Facebook and the power of social networking, I have other mom friends expecting their rainbows who are going through the same thing and that has been wonderful. That support is indescribable and it makes me feel a little less crazy to know I'm not the only one constantly going back and forth. Facebook has also allowed me to connect with other moms with epilepsy which has also been a wonderful support.

Being diagnosed with epilepsy has not helped this at all. As you can imagine it has made me 1,000 times more paranoid. I had a tonic clonic seizure when I was four weeks pregnant and we honestly still don't know if it affected the baby. It's basically a wait and see game. I find myself constantly praying for Baby C and leaning on Him for that peace.

Finding out I have Epilepsy brings its own set of worries: what if I have another seizure while pregnant? Will my seizure medicine affect the baby? The list goes on and on.

Sound stressful? It is. But stress is one of my triggers for a seizure, SO I'm doing my best to give it all to God one worry at a time.

I'm so excited about this baby, but part of me is afraid to let myself be excited. I'm afraid to let myself become too attached--but I'm honestly extremely attached already.

Having a rainbow baby is so many things all at once--joyful, exciting, terrifying, and full of worry. As a parent you want to protect your child, but this is one instance when you can't and that is frightening.

To all my readers expecting your rainbows--you and your little ones are in my prayers! I hope you are doing better than me with the worrying! I can't wait to see pictures of you holding your babies!


I've been wearing out Google search on my iPad today. Some new words have been added to my everyday vocabulary: epilepsy--tonic clonic seizure. I've heard both terms before, but they've never been applied to me before today. Now I want to find out everything I can about them.

I found this awesome app on the iPad called "Seizure Diary". It reminds me to take my medicine and allows me to keep up with when I have a seizure, how long it lasts, etc, etc. It's an awesome app for anyone with seizures!

I've spent a lot of time on epilepsy.com tonight. It's an abundance of information, but I'm taking it all in. I have to admit--all of this is scary. I have so much admiration for children with epilepsy. I'm an adult and I'm scared to death.

Right now I'm mostly scared for the baby. A seizure could be very dangerous for the baby. I am praying so hard to make it through September without a seizure. There are so many things I can't do anymore or things I can't do without supervision. Once again, my struggle with pride and independence is being tested. I'm being forced to depend on others for everyday tasks.

I titled this post "embracing" because that's what I'm trying to do today. I don't want to have a pity party, because there are so many people who have it way worse than me. I'm trying to embrace this new aspect of my life. I can't change it, so I might as well accept it and do my best to take care of myself.

Stress is one of my seizure triggers, so as my husband says, I need to learn to chill out. I've got to learn to truly give things to God and let Him take care of it. I'm not superwoman and I can't do everything, I can't handle everything, and I can't take care of everything.

My struggle right now is not stressing over how this will affect the baby. I was pregnant when I had my seizure a couple of weeks ago and we honestly still have no idea whether it affected the baby or not. Only time will tell, but I know that whatever meets us down the road, it's in His plan and He will be with us all the way--good or bad. (But I am praying and believing GOOD!).

Be sure to check out the blog tomorrow! I'll be sharing some of your Pay it Forward pictures you've submitted!