Friday, August 22, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Corny title, I know. But it's how I feel this week going through the motions; trying to choke back the tears at every turn. I want to let it all out, but while part of my world was frozen in time on August 23, 2012, the rest of it still spins.
I want to cry. I want to scream. Sometimes I feel like, maybe if I scream loud enough and long enough, the heaviness I feel in my chest every time I realize how close his birthday is will go away; maybe I'll be able to breathe again.
As a child you hear people tell you sometimes "life's not fair". That's true. It's not.
It's not fair that instead of planning an adorable birthday party for Barrett on Saturday, I'm trying to decide what kind of flowers to take to his grave and deciding on a memorial to do this year.
I spend every day wrestling with emotions. I go from being so overcome with joy from the time I was given with him to being angry that he is gone. It will
make you question your sanity. But burying a baby isn't sanity. And it doesn't get easier.
I saw a quote from Carley Marie that has resonated with me this week. "I will never stop grieving because I will never stop loving". There is so much truth packed in that statement.
I have three more days of pretending this week. Three more days of choking back tears with a smile. Then Saturday will come and the mask will melt away.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Can I be real tonight? I need to be. I need to visit a place that I've pushed away. One of those dark crevices in life that you try to forget.
With the death of Robin Williams, there have been some good discussions. He was an amazing, talented man, and his impact is obvious if you've logged on to the computer in the last twenty-four hours. He brought an insane amount of laughter to other people while he struggled with his own demons. There have been discussions of mental health and depression, and I'm glad to see those good discussions. But I have seen a few that disturb me. I've seen a few call him selfish or putting down people who are talking about him. I instantly know that those people have most likely never dealt with those demons of depression and mental illness. It's not selfish when everything in your head tells you that you are a burden.
The truth is, while I don't regularly struggle with depression, I KNOW exactly why people get to that point and why they don't reach out. I do.
In high school, I battled eating disorders for years. Eventually I wound up in a hospital. It was a daily struggle that consumed every thought I had. And there were several times that I was just tired. I was so tired of fighting the constant battle in my head. Everything made me tired, and several times in my life, I wanted to give in; to give up and say "I surrender". I wanted to surrender to those demons I battled in my head. But I didn't reach out for help. I saw the looks people gave me. Why would anyone help me?
I encountered depression again when my son died. I can tell you right now that the only things that kept me from surrendering to that place again were Audrey and the thought of seeing Barrett again. I knew Audrey needed her Mom and when I see Barrett again, I wanted him to be proud of me, not disappointed. I needed to live so he could live. But I exhausted myself fighting those demons once again and surrendering them to God daily.
In both instances I was, and still am, judged harshly. The small town gossip got back to me. I heard who was whispering "She won't eat. She must be crazy" or "She's still not over that? She's got problems". I heard your words. I felt their sting. I internalized the tears and pushed forward. No wonder people don't talk about it. Why would anyone reach out for help when it seems everyone around them discounts their pain?
The struggle is real. And to discount it because you've never experienced it only makes the problem worse. It confirms for the struggling that they need to internalize it.
I've seen countless posts today of "Reach out. Someone will help you". But, do you see why they don't? We make a big deal out of it in the wake of a tragedy, but then mental health goes right back to being a taboo topic in every church pew and beauty shop. When does it stop? How about today? Why not now?
Don't wait for someone who is struggling to reach out to you. Hold out your hand. Ask how they're doing. Learn the signs of depression.
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Monday, August 11, 2014
We had a great time full of smiles and laughs telling our family that the first grandson/great-grandson was on the way. We revealed his name with a cute little onesie that I will always cherish.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
After a couple of decades (and a few more years--I'll never tell!) of shampooing every 24-48 hours, it is still a little hard for me to believe that I have gone three weeks without using shampoo. I'm loving it though. Truly.
At the suggestion of a few readers, I switched from baking soda and ACV to rye flour and ACV. Wowza, you readers are smart! What a transformation my hair made. I'm sure you will notice the difference between this hair diary and the last two.
Day 15: I only washed with water this day and wore my hair down.
Day 16: First day of using rye flour and I wore my hair down again!
Day 17: I wore my hair down AGAIN. I did not wash it this day.
Day 18:...can you guess? DOWN AGAIN!!! I washed with water only this day.
Day 19:I wore my hair down again and did not wash it this day. This day, my hair seemed completely normal. No excess oils.
Day 20: I did wear it up on Day 20. It was slightly oily, but not bad at all.
Day 21: I washed with rye flour and wore it down again!
Have you gone "No poo"? I want to hear about it!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
It's been two weeks since I ditched my shampoo (hopefully for good!). As with my other posts, I want this to be a completely honest journey.
So, in saying that, day 8 SUCKED. My hair was crazy oily. Even my ponytail looked awful. But I committed to at least thirty days and I pushed through that awful hair day.
|Day 8--this picture does no justice for how bad it was.|
When Day 9 came around, it was MUCH better. There was a huge improvement and I actually wore my hair down.
Day 10 was another ponytail, but the oiliness was just average. It wasn't very noticeable.
On day 11, I was able to wear my hair down again. (woo-hoo!). It was slightly oily but nothing super noticeable.
When day 12 came around, I was back to a ponytail, but again, the oiliness wasn't bad.
Day 13 also saw my hair down.
Day 14 was a decent ponytail.
Are you noticing a pattern? On the days I wash it with baking soda and apple cider vinegar, I can wear it down just fine. On the days i wash it with just water, it has to go in a ponytail. Again, the oiliness is not near what I was expecting so far. Honestly, I was anticipating a lot of days like "day 8". So far, so good and I am going strong!