On August 6, 2012, Brent and I received the exciting news that we were expecting a little boy. I called him our "little man", a name that seems so fitting for him now. That day, he looked perfect. He was moving and everything seemed to point to a healthy baby. That day, I was 15 weeks and 6 days pregnant.
Yesterday, on August 22, 2012, I went in for a routine check up. When I went back for the ultrasound I was so excited to see my angel again. But when I looked up at the screen, my joy faded because I knew something wasn't right. He was so still. He was too still. And the ultrasound technician was too quiet. She started measuring him and I watched as every measurement she took measured between 16-17 weeks. I was 18 weeks 1 day. My boy was too small. Then, she excused herself and I knew. I hoped I was wrong, and I laid on that table and PRAYED I was wrong, but it was true. Sometime between when I saw my perfect baby on August 6th and my appointment yesterday, my little man had stopped growing and his heart had stopped beating.
The doctor reassured me several times that it was not my fault and they didn't know why he had suddenly passed away. As the tears started to fall, I knew in my heart that it wasn't my fault or anything I could have done to save him. While Brent and I had so many hopes and dreams for Barrett, God had a different plan for him.
On my way home to pack my things before going to the hospital, I turned the music up in my car trying to distract myself. That morning, I had put a MercyMe CD in my car. I usually just listen to the radio, but God must have known what I would need to hear as I made that horrible drive. I turned it up as a song was ending. The next song on the CD was "Bring the Rain". If I hadn't been driving, I would have hit my knees right there. However, I was brought to my knees humbly before my God in a spiritual way.
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
It is admittedly so hard for me to see the good in me losing my son, but I know that my God can bring good out of the darkest storm. My greatest prayer right now, is that Barrett's short life and the storm that our family is going through will somehow bring glory to God. I will admit that several times I have asked God "Why?". Surprisingly, I haven't felt anger though. I know God has a purpose for my little man's short life. I am so thankful for the joy that carrying Barrett for 18 weeks brought to me, and for that I praise God. I praise God for giving me a beautiful little boy because, though I wasn't able to know him in this life, I can't wait to rock him in heaven.
Barrett Luker was born on August 23, 2012 at 6:05 a.m. and he weighed 4.6 ounces. He was born sleeping. I am so thankful for the amazing doctors and nurses who allowed us time with our boy and pictures of him that I will always hold close to my heart. I can honestly say, that today, I truly held one of God's angels in my arms. I like to picture him in heaven running around in his flawless heavenly body throwing a ball or getting muddy like little boys do.
This has been a journey I never wanted to endure and one I wish no one had to go through. However, I can't wait to see what kind of glorious things God will do through my little angel's short life here on earth.
I have been thinking all day of something that I could do to honor my son. Project Linus takes homemade blankets and gives them to children in the hospital. So, I have decided I am going to crochet as many blankets as I can to donate to this cause in honor of my angel. I would like to ask that anyone who would like to help with this, to send some yarn my way--any color and as much or as little as you would like. Every bit will go towards making a blanket for a sick child in the hospital that will be donated in Barrett's name. I am hoping to make a big donation to this cause in honor of the angel heaven has gained.
Lastly, I want to say how much we appreciate all of the kind words, thoughts, and prayers. We have been overwhelmed to tears by the amount of love and support we have received the last 2 days. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. We will never be able to adequately express our gratitude towards you all, but please know that it has meant the world to us. We love every single one of you.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
*Please forgive any grammatical or spelling errors. After typing all of this, I cannot to bear to read through it again right now to proofread.